Good Days, Bad Days, Impossible Days

Last night I was talking with Mark Ferlatte about the advice we have given our respective companies in this pandemic era.  He shared with me this link, on how to salvage a disastrous day.  It’s a good link: you should read it.

My favorite part: “Your feelings will follow your actions.  Just do it.”

The hardest part for me is, “Book-end your day.  Don’t push it into the midnight hours.”  Ugh.  I really, really struggle with this because my brain takes a long long time to settle in and get started on a task to the point where I feel like I’m on a roll with it, and once I’m on a roll I do not want to stop until I’m done.  Because god knows how long it will be — days? weeks?? — until I can catch this wave again, feel inspired again.  But it’s true, if I stay up all night working I’m just setting myself up for a fuzzy, blundery tomorrow.

The advice we gave Honeycombers was differently shaped, though similar in spirit.  I’ve had a few people ask me to share it, so here it is.

We formally request …

First, we would like to point out that what you are all being asked to do right now is impossible.  Parenting, homeschooling, working, caregiving, correcting misinformed neighbors, being an engaged citizen … it is fifteen people’s worth of work.  It is literally impossible.

But hey, it has always been impossible.  We have never been able to do everything we want to do — there isn’t enough time.  There was never enough time!  We succeed as a company not by doing everything on our list, but by saying no to the right things; by NOT-doing enough most things so we can focus on the few things we have identified that matter most.  That was true before COVID, it’s just truer now.

So: let’s all focus hard on our top priority.  Shed as much of the other stuff as you have to.  Shed more.  Ask your manager for help figuring out what to shed, until you are down to an amount you can probably manage.

And speaking of focus:

You aren’t operating at full capacity.  We all get that right now: none of us are.  And nobody expects you to.  So please spend zero energy on performing like you’re doing work, or acting extra-responsive, or keeping up a front like things are normal and you’re doing fine.  That performance costs you precious energy,  while doing nothing to get us closer to our goals.

What we need from you is not performance or busy-busy-ness but your engaged creative self  — your active, curious mind engaging with our top problem.  I would rather have 30 minutes of your creative energy applied to our biggest problem today than five hours of your distracted split-brain, juggling, trying to keep up with chat and seem like you’re as available per usual today.

So when you’re figuring out your schedule, please optimize for that — focused time on our biggest problem — and then communicate your availability to your team.  If you’re a parent and you can only really work three days a week, calendar that.  (If you’re not a parent, remember that you too are allowed to feel overwhelmed and underwater.  Just because some have it even harder, doesn’t invalidate what you’re going through.)

In Summary,

Take care of yourself
Take care of your loved ones
Say no to as much as you possibly can
Focus on impact
No performative normalcy
Remember: this is temporary 🖤

We are incredibly fortunate — to be here, to have these resources, to have each other.  It’s okay to have bad days; this is why we have teams, to carry each other through the hardest spots.  Do your best.  Everything is going to be okay, more or less.

 

Good Days, Bad Days, Impossible Days

Quarantine Reading Queue on the “Tiger King” Phenomenon

Last Wednesday I walked into my living room and saw three gay rednecks in hot pink shirts being married as a “throuple” on a TV screen at close range, followed by one of the grooms singing a country song about a woman feeding her husband’s remains to her tigers.

I could not look away.  What the fuck.

If you too have been rubbernecking the Tiger King — at any range — I have a book that will help you make sense of things: “Blood Rites: On The Origins and History of the Passions of War“, by Barbara Ehrenreich[1].  I re-read it last night, and here is my book report.


throuple

 

In Blood Rites, Ehrenreich asks why we sacralize war.  Not why we fight wars, or why we are violent necessarily, but why we are drawn to the idea of war, why we compulsively imbue it with an aura of honor and noble sacrifice.  If you kill one person, you’re a murderer and we shut you out from society; kill ten and you are a monster; but if you kill thousands, or kill on behalf of the state, we give you medals and write books about you.

And it’s not only about scale or being backed by state power.  The calling of war brings out the highest and finest experiences our species can know: it sings of heroism and altruism, of discipline, self-sacrifice, common ground, a life lived well in service; of belonging to something larger than one’s self.  Even if, as generations of weary returning soldiers have told us, it remains the same old butchery on the ground, the near-religious allure of war is never dented for long in the popular imagination.

What the fuck is going on?  bloodrites

Ehrenreich is impatient with the traditional scholarship, which locates the origin of war in some innate human aggression or turf wars over resources.  She is at her dryly funniest when dispatching feminist theories about violence being intrinsically male or “testosterone poisoning”, showing that the bloodthirstiest of the gods have usually been feminine.  (Although there are fascinating symmetries between girls becoming women through menstruation, and boys becoming men through … some form of culturally sanctioned ritual, usually involving bloodshed.)

Rather, she shows that our sacred feelings towards blood shed in war are the direct descendents of our veneration of blood shed in sacrifice — originally towards human sacrifice and other animal sacrifice, in a reenactment of our own ever-so-recent role inversion from prey to predator.  Prehistoric sacrifice was likely a way of exerting control over our environment and reenacting the death that gave us life through food.

In her theory, humans do not go to war because we are natural predators. Just the blink of an eye ago, on an evolutionary scale, humans were not predators by any means: we were prey.  Weak, blind, deaf, slow, clawless and naked; we scrawny, clever little apes we were easy pickings for the many large carnivores who roamed the planet.  We scavenged in the wake of predators and worshiped them as gods.  We are the nouveaux riche of predators, constantly re-asserting our dominance to soothe our insecurities.

We go to war not because we are predators, in other words, but because we are prey — and this makes us very uncomfortable!  War exists as a vestigial relic of when we venerated the shedding of blood and found it holy — as anyone who has ever opened the Old Testament can attest.  It was not until the Axial Age that religions of the world underwent a wholesale makeover into a less bloody, more universalistic set of aspirations.  ashes

When I first read this book, years ago, I remember picking it up with a roll of the eyes.  “Sounds like some overly-metaphorical liberal academic nonsense” or something like that.  But I was hooked within ten pages, my mind racing ahead with even more evidence than she marshals in this lively book.  It shifted the way I saw many things in the world.

Like horror movies, for example.  Or why cannibalism is so taboo.  How Jesus became the Son of God, the Brothers’ Grimm, the sacrament of Communion.  The primal fear of being food still resonates through our culture in so many sublimated ways.

And whether what you’re watching is “Tiger King” or the Tiger-King-watchers, it will make A LOT more sense after reading this book too.

Stay safe and don’t kill each other,

charity

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[1]  Ehrenreich is best known for her stunning book on the precariousness of the middle class, “Nickel and Dimed”, where she tried to subsist for a year only on whatever work she could get with a high school education.  Ehrenreich is a journalist, and this is a piece of science journalism, not scientific research; yet it is well-researched and scrupulously cited, and it’s worth noting that she has a PhD in biology and was once a practicing scientist.

 

 

Quarantine Reading Queue on the “Tiger King” Phenomenon